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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
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I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
figuring out my emotional availability:
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges