Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
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100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.