I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
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And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”