My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
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Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Make new friends? bro out of what?
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…