First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
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If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow