Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
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90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.