How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
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Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Natty or not?
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.