You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
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[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
i choose….tongue
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.