Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
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[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
August 8
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.