“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
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Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I’m too immature for adultery.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Does this dress make me look cat?
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.