Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
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Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.