best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
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Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
S O O N
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain