If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
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9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.