I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
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Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country