I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
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I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*