Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
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My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Baller is short for ballerina
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school