velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
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[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?