A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
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Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
What the dentist sees
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.