Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
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ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Worst bar ever.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.