don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
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Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
New tinder profile pic
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.