Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
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I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.