About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
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Ain’t no way
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
The cashier just checked me out.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.