The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
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Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
wut hotdog?
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not