My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
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How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?