Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
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EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
oh shit
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Just say no
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers