Rt to bother an English speaker
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stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain