The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
You Might Also Like
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse