My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
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“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.