ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
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The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Bloody internet 😳
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*