me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
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Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Don’t forget to tip your server
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?