If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
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Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Weighing up my bread heating options
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.