If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
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My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon