I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
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I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
So the ex texted me
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.