him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
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I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Sell your car
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see