My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
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You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
#CoronaOutbreak
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.