tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
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This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.