doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
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Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..