HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
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*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
⛄️
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁