I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
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In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it