KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
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I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.