ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
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Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.