I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
You Might Also Like
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Boating season is upon us.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician