Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
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[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.