Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
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me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)