Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
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Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.