I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
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Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight