[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
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Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Ok but actually
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Batman v Dracula
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Great acting.. 😂
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks