if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
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Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”