I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
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[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way