I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
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While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.